I am not so sure why, but I convinced myself that I’m depressive, I remember those long times which I just thought of my death, not suicide, but death.
which always made me cry, not about myself, I never feared death, but because of the scenarios in my mind of my mother crying, and my family over my body.
It’s not that I didn’t have suicidal thoughts, I did, but they weren’t as common as other thoughts about my death.
Maybe the real reason for this is that I wanted to know what people think about me? how will I be remembered? who will come to my funeral? who will be sorry that I’m dead?

In most persons thoughts like that won’t come by themselves (I think), there was a special circumstance that I think most people don’t have. it was the dawn of the nemesis.
He was a normal guy, he lived on my street, just around the corner, and we were great friends. we liked almost exactly the same things and I learned a lot from him, especially on stop motion animations.
Things changed with time, and I stopped seeing him. Even worse – he decided he hates me.

why? I don’t know, I don’t think anyone knows, I don’t think he himself knows. This, by itself, as weird as it sounds, had probably already happened, a lot, but I was an easy prey because of my social anxiety. Although I don’t think he knew about it, he probably thought I was just a weird loner.

Anyway he went to a vicious crusade, not leaving me any spare moment.. Even though it wasn’t that harsh, he haven’t stalked me or did anything to hurt me, he just made laughing at me his main hobby.
Quite depressing isn’t it? As you can guess, I did exactly nothing against it, one time  I cursed him- but he laughed at it, and everything went back to “ordinary”
It’s not just that I haven’t defended myself – when I brought playing cards to school, for example, he almost always joined. Of course I didn’t wanted him to join, and I really really wanted to tell him to go search for his friends, but the sad truth is that I just couldn’t..

I wasn’t handling the beast by myself, my few friends – mostly from kindergarten, were there for me, they haven’t done much, but at least they tried doing something while I sat quietly absorbing everything instead of defending myself.
Maybe without those few friends, I would have been pushed outside of the borders and would lose everything..

But luckily enough for me I am still here, as I knew I’m going to high school, which have about 8 times the amount of pupils, and I will be able to get away from him.
I was even more lucky, when the year ended and I went to high school he wasn’t there, he went to a different high school.

Today all my depressive thoughts have gone completely, and even though we live on the same street I haven’t seen him or heard from him for the last one and a half year.
though I know he is still there, and I have the feeling that he will strike again, I just hope I will be ready by then, so he won’t be a problem.

I was bored in one computers class, so I did this (written in C#), enjoy.

static void triBW()
{

/*Magen David*/

	int count, i = 0, l = 0;
	Console.Write("For: ");
	count = int.Parse(Console.ReadLine());
	if (count < 10)
	l = count;
	for (int j = 0; j < count/2+count*11/64+1; j++)
	{
		Console.BackgroundColor = ConsoleColor.White;
		for (i = 0; i < count; i++)
		{
			if ((count / 2) - j != 0)
			{
				Console.BackgroundColor = ConsoleColor.White;
				if (i == (count / 2) + j || i == (count / 2) - j)
					Console.BackgroundColor = ConsoleColor.Blue;
				if (j == i + (count)*11 / 64 || j == (count)*11 / 64 || j == count - i + (count)*11 / 64)
					Console.BackgroundColor = ConsoleColor.Blue;
			}
			else
				Console.BackgroundColor = ConsoleColor.Blue;
			Console.Write(" ");
		}
		Console.BackgroundColor=ConsoleColor.Black;
		Console.WriteLine(j);
	}

}

and the result is:
http://img509.imageshack.us/img509/8409/56196666fo0.jpg

personally I completely forgot about this, I was reminded while wandering about by this post

Since the time I remember my self I was a loner, always preferred being alone then being with friends – even before I had a computer.. I just was who I was, who can blame me for this?
It wasn’t as bad as it sounds back then, I had exactly 1 friend and we were very close to one another, I went to his house almost every day after school.

But time passes, things changes and we started seeing each other less and less. Already in the 3rd-4th grade I was almost always alone..
On the school breaks I mostly set alone on a bench, or walked around the school in circles until the bell rang..
It can pass, not to much, but the problem was that I persuaded myself that I like it, that I am a loner and will always be and enjoy it.

Finding out that this is not true hadn’t took too long, I think it was about the 7th grade when I was tired of being alone, but it was already a known fact – I am alone, I sit on the bench and I don’t want anyone to talk to me.
another problem is that in this time of being alone my social skills died completely – and this is the origin my social anxiety.. I brought it upon myself.

It was also in the 7th grade that I became addicted to chess, spending hours every day of learning the game, just to absorb my sorrow of being alone, to have a meaning.
Chess really became one of the biggest parts of my life, I even was quite talented at it, currently having a rating of about 1800 (after 3 years of play, yeah, I’m now a sophomore).
but the fact is that Monday, Thursday, Wednesday and Saturday were all chess, so when could I have to for something else?

this is how I entered my self into a circle going down, the longer I’m alone the harder the social anxiety became, and it was only escalating (Part 2 – Escalation).

An interesting thing is that I never thought on some of the things written in the post, like the fact I brought the social anxiety upon myself or why I became so addicted to chess.
Nothing is scientific in any way, just what I feel.

I don’t think much will happen from this, but in basic this is a place for sense dumps..
what’s a sense dump? exactly like a pic dump, only it’s not with pictures but with everything that can be written, and is in my mind at the moment of writing the post..

first thing first: I never was consistent with blogs, I usually get disappointed too fast with the high lack of interest and zero comments or even visitors..

I had one ‘big’ blog, I had it for more then a year and it contained alot of much too personal stuffs, like who I was in love with (well, I was 12 then) and mostly this, it contained pathetic poems that I wrote (one of them was something like “from the window of soul that looks like a silk” etc..) and basiclly how I was thinking of her and looking on her and such (Yeah, as I noted, pathetic).
And thinking back she even was quite ugly.. And she rejected me, 3 times, using the lame excuse of “it’s not me, it’s her”, and one time even started dating my friend a day afterward..
But I’m drifting away from the subject. What I’m trying to say is that while this blog contained highly personal things, and was open to the public, I USED MY NAME.. that is just a plain stupid thing to do!! who use a name in a highly personal blog that if someone recognize him it’s a complete disaster??

Well, it WAS a complete disaster, after about a year of going undetected I was found, and was laughed on – hard. and in a moment of rage I Deleted everything that was in there, so now I have only some memories left from it, and it’s red-black design.

from that time I was afraid of blogs, and even when I tried to open new ones I abandoned them in less then a week. but they were all in Hebrew and less anonymous.

so here we go again